I had to speak at a ladies meeting today, to give my testimony. I'll admit I am still processing the experience. Frankly, I am not sure what to do with it in my life's timeline.
But I do know it stresses to me why I like writing. Writing is my therapy. It gives me time to think about my words, to filter my thoughts and pack them neatly into slots. Speech-making is different. Once spoken, words are just out there and you can't take them back or reformulate them.
I have publicly given my testimony three times now and each time has been different from the last. This time, I really can't tell you what I said. How to explain that...I was told I did great. But truthfully, at the end I felt as blank as a piece of paper. It was like I woke up from a dream. Oh, over the last months I had prepared a whole string of thoughts. I had preached myself silly trying to fit what I wanted to say into 15 minutes of time. Yet I knew inside that when I got up there, I'd be myself, it'd all go to the wind, and I'd remember none of it.
Perhaps if I could have written it all down instead...
That's, after all, what I did with my book. I am so proud of the accomplishment of having a published book. However, when the first person asked me to sign it, and then another and another, I was totally unprepared. I couldn't figure out why that mattered.
I told my husband the other day that it was the story of my failure and God's success. In the scheme of things, I am such a small, ordinary, insignificant person. Why has God chosen to use ME in the first place? I cannot tell you how many times I have asked myself that question.
In late 2010, and when I asked the Lord what I should call the book, He said, "Fearless." That title puzzled me.
"Fearless? But, God," I argued, "I'm not fearless!"
"Fearless," He said, "is not being without fear. It's not letting fear control you."
Ah, and this I understand. Today as I stood up there, I had captured that. No matter how hard the struggle to rid myself permanently of the affects of fear in my life, no matter how long it takes, I will not make decisions based on fear. If that is what fearless means, then I am it.
So...I signed a few books today, still puzzling over why that matters. (I don't mind signing them and my notes to people are always sincere. I don't know how else to be, actually.) But my story is God's story. Every word I write and those I speak are His words. They are what He would say. I am just the vessel.
I don't know yet why He has chosen me. Maybe He just wanted one person willing to stand up and say, "Enough! You don't have to be afraid." I must be obedient, this I do know.
God is so good, friends, all the time.
Suzanne Williams Photography
Suzanne Williams is a native Floridian, wife, and mother, with a penchant for spelling anything, who happens to love photography.
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